Introduction: Defensiveness in relationships is an externalized behavior that stems from a complex internal defensive process. In this discussion, we explore the nuanced role of defensiveness, particularly as a primitive strategy for protecting one's sense of integrity. We explore its connection to susceptibility to negative self-concepts and propose an alternative approach that fosters healthier relationships and enhances self-esteem.
Discussion: Psychological defenses, including defensiveness in relationships, are mechanisms aiming to maintain emotional equilibrium. With defensiveness, this operates in the domains of self-evaluated esteem and integrity. It is a primitive attempt to remove blame from self and instead project blame on the other. With impulsive defensive reactions, blame becomes a hot potato, it has to be handed off to the other, lest the holder of the proverbial blame potato receives blisters on their self-esteem. When confronting criticism or negativity, defensiveness acts as a shield to preserve a stable self-concept and protect against self-esteem erosion.
Viewed through this lens, defensiveness acts as a protective barrier against potential depressive thoughts and emotions resulting from internalized negative self-beliefs triggered by perceived criticism. The acceptance of self-damning beliefs can indeed render an individual vulnerable to the debilitating effects of depression. Consequently, defensiveness in relationships emerges as a strategic means to safeguard one's mental well-being. Thus, if a person were to simply stop being so damn defensive, without first adopting a new internal strategy for dealing with the hurt of perceived criticism, they are in danger of becoming depressed and thus debilitated. This is truly a dangerous injury to sustain.
An alternative approach rooted in evolutionary psychology and empathy invites us to view criticisms in relationships differently. Criticism may not necessarily intend harm but rather is evidence of the other person’s internal distress. Adopting this perspective helps disentangle others’ hurtful words from one’s own self-worth and allows for greater emotional regulation.
This insight into the other’s emotional experience empowers a person to listen for the pain concealed behind hurtful communications. Recognizing the anguish within perceived criticism fosters empathy and paves the way for constructive interactions.
This approach promotes emotional resilience by emphasizing that self-worth transcends external opinions.
Conclusion: Defensiveness predominantly serves to preserve self-esteem but can inadvertently impede the development of empathetic relationships. Remembering to acknowledge the distress within others behind their criticisms allows for the cultivation of internal emotional regulation and a more balanced response in relationships. This approach strikes a harmonious balance between safeguarding mental health and nurturing positive connections.
